Saving Pro Basketball in Indiana

After last night's death-of-basketball-in-Cleveland event, my first instinct was to come up with a plan that the Pacers could use to lure LeBron James to Naptown. Why not? Investing all of the teams' resources into a vain effort to attract a superstar with no desire to move to Indiana would still be more productive than anything Larry Bird has done in the last three off seasons. (Sorry, Larry.)

Then I had a better idea. The Pacers should change their name to the Indiana Joneses and should rename Conseco Fieldhouse "The Temple of Doom." (I'm really not sure why this hasn't happened already.) Under normal circumstances, no one wants to pay money to see Mike Dunleavy, Jr. and Troy Murphy drop a regular season home game to the Charlotte Bobcats. But if bullwhips, stubble, and legendary artifacts are involved, everything changes.

Fast forward to December 2013. I foresee two possible scenarios:

Scenario 1
Down 62-47 to the Milwaukee Bucks in the third quarter, the Joneses call timeout. The Temple of Doom stadium announcer says over the PA, "All right, Jones fans! Cover your eyes! It's time to OPEN——THE——ARK!" 18,000 fans, all wearing matching fedoras, yell "open the ark" in unison with the announcer. (And those who don't cover their eyes will feel the wrath of the face-melting light of God.)

Scenario 2
In Seattle's new Bill Gates Arena, one fan turns to another and asks, "Why does our new team have so many 6'10" white guys?" The other fan responds, "Good question. And how is it that our team can miss the Playoffs every year without ever getting a good draft pick?"