Twelve Scenes From Upcoming UCC Television Commercials

The following is taken from a still untidy project that I call "Save Yourselves From This Corrupt Generation":

The United Church of Christ's "Ejector Seat" commercial was rejected by the four major networks but nonetheless now appears regularly on CNN, Comedy Central, ESPN, History, and several other basic cable networks. Time will tell whether the ad—in which a single mother, gay couple, Middle Eastern man, elderly man with a walker, and others are ejected from their church pews—is effective in bringing people to the church. In the meantime, the UCC is no doubt developing more controversial television spots. SYFTCG takes a look at twelve ideas that might be in the works:

• A deacon turns up the heat in the sanctuary to spite the family of Eskimos sitting in the back.


• A woman of ambiguous ethnicity waits at the door of the sanctuary while church security decides whether she is white enough to be allowed in.


• A single mother and a flamboyant man are forcibly wed so that both are discouraged from pursuing a deviant lifestyle.


• An usher takes a cane away from an elderly man, saying, “If you have enough faith, you won’t need this.”


• An obviously poor man walks up to the church door and finds that he must purchase a ticket if he wants to come in and worship; the cheapest ticket is $10, but that only buys a seat in the last row of the balcony.


• A child with Down’s Syndrome is tripped on his way to his seat by a preppy, teenage acolyte.


• Visitors are given a 50-question Scantron test on their way into the sanctuary to determine whether they are holy enough to participate in worship.


• The pastoral staff notices an olive-skinned family visiting their church and turns them in to the Department of Homeland Security (along with the congregation's one obviously gay member, for good measure).


• Two lesbians walk up to take Holy Communion; the pastor responds by dripping a little cyanide into their wine.


• “Heretical” Bible translations are confiscated at the door, burned, and replaced with leather-bound King James Bibles.


• The church building committee installs an unusually narrow front door so that grossly overweight would-be worshipers cannot enter.


• An elderly woman must submit to a physical exam before joining the church. The pastor tells her, “I spend half of my week making hospital visits. I don’t want any more sick old people in this church! ... And you better not be joining just to get a cheap funeral!”